Life has been a process of constant changes and remaining memories. It's been such a long time since i put an entry here and such a very long time that i spent at least a handful of time here which i consider one of my greatest passion. As days go by, i struggle and wrestle to find myself back home with Him. There's a lot of things running through my life and inside my head. I was happy knowing that i am a dreamer, knowing that those dreams won't just end up as it is but will happen as you desire and pray for it. God knows. And i don't know and i'm not pretty sure what will happen next. I can't look forward to the possible outcome of my future, i still have those fears and all i want is to know and understand. Those dreams will not end unless i stop dreaming. I find it confusing and really burning out. The main thing that keeps me thinking was those dreams i had before, where i saw this uncertain guy and have that gut-feeling that he has to do with the coming days. I don't know, i'm somehow afraid of committment but i'm most afraid with what will happen. It has a connection with what i desire from people around me, maybe to be cherished or highly appreciated. And i don't know, i just don't know the answer whether God is telling me something or preparing me for that very moment. Sometimes, thinking and praying about it makes me burst into mixed emotions of anger, tears and nothingness. If that guy has to do with the coming days, then he has to know or maybe he knows. But it felt he didn't and i feel stupid. Now i'm confused, will i marry someday and have my dream family? Or i guess not, or maybe now i'm drifting apart from it not wanting it anymore. In those dreams, it felt so real knowing that it's only a dream. I don't intend to have that kind of dream or even have this feelings for that guy even after we met. I knew him even before i had those dreams and it's funny that we are not that close, it's like if we see each other we greet each other, and just that. We don't talk, we don't hang-out or even chat for a while. And to my surprise, as i wonder who that guy is, it gets clear to me that it was the same person i was greeting, i was not close to, i was oblivious of. And knowing now that i knew that it was him in my dreams, i felt distant. I don't know, i don't know how to handle things like this. I can't bear the uncertainty and the underlying feelings that was not supposed to be there. I see him in reality, i see him in my dreams.. but it's only when i sleep..