A story about a little girl who once had a scrapped knee and her heart broken..
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Only when i sleep
Life has been a process of constant changes and remaining memories. It's been such a long time since i put an entry here and such a very long time that i spent at least a handful of time here which i consider one of my greatest passion. As days go by, i struggle and wrestle to find myself back home with Him. There's a lot of things running through my life and inside my head. I was happy knowing that i am a dreamer, knowing that those dreams won't just end up as it is but will happen as you desire and pray for it. God knows. And i don't know and i'm not pretty sure what will happen next. I can't look forward to the possible outcome of my future, i still have those fears and all i want is to know and understand. Those dreams will not end unless i stop dreaming. I find it confusing and really burning out. The main thing that keeps me thinking was those dreams i had before, where i saw this uncertain guy and have that gut-feeling that he has to do with the coming days. I don't know, i'm somehow afraid of committment but i'm most afraid with what will happen. It has a connection with what i desire from people around me, maybe to be cherished or highly appreciated. And i don't know, i just don't know the answer whether God is telling me something or preparing me for that very moment. Sometimes, thinking and praying about it makes me burst into mixed emotions of anger, tears and nothingness. If that guy has to do with the coming days, then he has to know or maybe he knows. But it felt he didn't and i feel stupid. Now i'm confused, will i marry someday and have my dream family? Or i guess not, or maybe now i'm drifting apart from it not wanting it anymore. In those dreams, it felt so real knowing that it's only a dream. I don't intend to have that kind of dream or even have this feelings for that guy even after we met. I knew him even before i had those dreams and it's funny that we are not that close, it's like if we see each other we greet each other, and just that. We don't talk, we don't hang-out or even chat for a while. And to my surprise, as i wonder who that guy is, it gets clear to me that it was the same person i was greeting, i was not close to, i was oblivious of. And knowing now that i knew that it was him in my dreams, i felt distant. I don't know, i don't know how to handle things like this. I can't bear the uncertainty and the underlying feelings that was not supposed to be there. I see him in reality, i see him in my dreams.. but it's only when i sleep..
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
It's been a long time since i posted an entry here. It's been so long that i've thought a lot about things and stuffs. Something tells me to just stop and let go of it. Years passed and commitments came, it has stirred up emotions and tear dreams apart. Everything's going for him, and yes, everything's about him. I got a lot of things to tell him, but i have to let go. Things can't be on my way for it's not about me and my strength can never determine whatever changes are needed to be done. As years go farther and as we all grow older, i realized that he was never ready. He have a set of alibis on everything. He's still isn't ready, he's not prepared to give up things that only satisfy him, he's not prepared enough to move forward in the level of maturity in his life. Everything was going for him, his dreams are far greater than what he has expected but he seem to not get enough. It's all about the pleasures, the momentarily events and temporary identity. Love is right in front of him, but he never noticed it for he's too busy having himself filled with what cannot fill his ultimate desire.. to be accepted and be loved. Pretentions and deceitfulness covered his mind and the performance never stopped, just to be seen by people that he's okay, that everything's cool. You will always hear him saying his grievances, his dire need of acceptance and his mixed emotions. He was never prepared, he was never ready, he was never himself all along. Life is going for him, dreams dashed down to wake him up, love took him to where he is now.. but still, he never paid attention. All was about him. He has his own ways, he has his own direction, he has his own life. He never shared, he never cared. The funny thing is that he has come so far, he has gone so far to lose himself in his own selfishness that cost him on getting lost. He's only driven by his own. No matter how hard i try to care, it doesn't seem to get to him. His heart was hardened, his life was built by his own hands and he never want to let go. Like what Martin Luther said, "The essence of sin is that man seeks his own in everything, even in God." And for him, life isn't about accepting your faults and mistakes, not about forgiving yourself and others, but chasing down every temporary high that will be a replacement on what you cannot see and what you cannot hold or take control. There was something missing, but still, like he always say.. he was never prepared, he was never ready.. all his life, he was never and never will he found it. And that's what he was missing while he's compromising, a life truly defined by our Maker.
Rather cleverly done.This is in two parts,the prayer (in blue type) and GOD (in red type)in response.
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Our Father Who Art In Heaven. Yes? Don't interrupt me. I'm praying. But -- you called ME! Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in Heaven. There -- you did it again! Did what? Called ME. You said, "Our Father who art in Heaven" Well, here I am. What's on your mind? But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty. Well, all right. Go on. Okay, Hallowed be thy name . . Hold it right there. What do you mean by that? By what? By "Hallowed be thy name"? It means, it means . . good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean? It means honored, holy, wonderful. Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.! Thanks. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as i t is in Heaven. Do you really mean that? Sure, why not? What are you doing about it? Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control, of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know. Yes, I know; but, have I got control of you? Well, I go to church. That isn't what I asked you. What about your bad temper? You've really got a problem there, you know. And then there's the way you spend your money -- all on yourself. And what about the kind of books you read? Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church! Excuse ME. I thought you were praying for my will to be done. If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you -- for example. Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others. So could I. I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free. Good. Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME. I'm proud of You. Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread. You need to cut out the bread. You're overweight as it is. Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups. Pra ying is a dangerous thing. You just might get what you ask for. Remember, you called ME -- and here I am. It's too late to stop now. Keep praying. ( . . . pause . . ) Well, go on. I'm scared to. Scared? Of what? I know what you'll say. Try ME. Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. What about Ann? See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her! But -- your prayer -- What about your prayer? I didn't -- mean it. Well, at least you're honest. But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness and resentment isn't it? Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born. No, you won't feel any better. You'll feel worse. Revenge isn't sweet. You know how unhappy you are -- Well, I can change that. You can? How? Forgive Ann. Then, I'll forgive you; And the hate and the sin, will be Ann's problem -- not yours. You will have settled the problem as far as you are concerned. Oh, you know, you're right. You always are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You . . (sigh). All right . . all right . . I forgive her. There now! Wonderful! How do you feel? Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all! In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest, you know. Yeah, I know. But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on. Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Good! Good! I'll do that. Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted. What do you mean by that? You know what I mean. Yeah. I know. Okay. Go ahead. Finish your prayer. For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen. Do you know what would bring me glory -- What would really make me happy? No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you now. I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So, tell me . . . How do I make you happy? YOU just did.
It's just funny how people came up with their prayers. Some pray just to fulfill a duty or an obligation, some do it out of nothing without really knowing the real meaning of every word they say or what it may bring about in their lives. But above everything, God exactly knows the person who calls Him and He hears every uttered words. The questions is, are we going to answer if He called us back?
Whew! It's been so long since i last create an entry here. I missed writing about things and changes. I've been so busy in our church doing cell group, in school - now that i'm close to finishing it and of course, life..as it is. I now have my practicum and it's really nice to know that i'm gonna be done in school some later time. I've grown so much as i walk with God and have outgrown things that needs to be removed. I love the way God disciplines me, the way he breaks things in order for me to experience His best. Ah, i never wanted to be anywhere but with God. I just don't get it sometimes, when i'm having weird dreams. But gladly i have my older brother as an interpreter! And it becomes more clarified that God is telling me something that needs to changed. I want to become the woman He intended me to be, and as time goes by, i'm getting more excited! I'm on the fast track of His plans and it really sweeps me off my feet..the way He shows me His plans, the way He reveals His best, and the love story that He's been writing for me is so much for a destiny. I know that i have a purpose and a destiny that with His help - will soon be fulfilled! Can't wait for that perfect moment - in His time. =)
I've seen the video of Father's House by Pigs with Pearls a while ago in church. It defines it's meaning on the spot though it's quite deep in terms of understanding. The message has touched me as i go realizing that God never demands anything. It signifies the very truth that His love for us is unconditional. We don't have to do this and do that just to be close to Him, just to feel His presence or go about crying out without getting heard. God hears us. He's there and He's more than willing to listen. He invites us to His family without any requirement but just the willingness out of a pure heart. If we'll commit our lives to Him, nothing can go wrong. We just have to surrender and accept that we can't do it on our own, we need a Father, who will guide us into all truth. And He's inviting us to come back home. And His invitation is not like we should wear this, be at this given time, be at that certain place or have the proper preparation, but we are all welcome anytime. We can talk to Him anywhere. We can just be ourselves to Him, that we don't need to take this mask or retain those dead pasts. We totally can show Him the heart that we have. His love will lead us back home. And in this life, with everything that the whole world offers is nothing compared to what only God can give, abundant love and peace. Without God, life is a mess.
At a certain college, there was a professor with a
reputation for being tough on Christians. At the
first class every semester, he asked if anyone was a
Christian and proceeded to degrade and mock their
statement of faith.
One semester, he asked the question and a young man
raised his hand when asked if anyone was a
Christian. The professor asked, "Did God made
everything, young man?"
"Yes he did, sir," the young man replied. The
professor responded, "If God made everything, then
God made evil, and if we can only create from within
ourselves, then God is evil."
The student didn't have a response and the professor
was happy to have once again proved the Christian
faith to be a myth.
Then another man raised his hand and asked, "May I
ask you something, sir?"
"Yes you may," responded the professor.
The young man stood up and said, "Sir, is there such
thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of a question is
that? Haven't you ever been cold?"
The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold does not
exist. What we consider to be cold, is really only
the absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is
absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist.
We have only created that term to describe how we
feel when heat is not there."
The young man continued, "Sir, is there such thing
as dark?"
Once again, the professor responded "Of course there
is."
And once again, the student replied "Actually, sir,
darkness does not exist. Darkness is really only the
absence of light. Darkness is only a term man
developed to describe what happens when there is no
light present."
Finally, the young man asked, "Sir, is there such
thing as evil?"
The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes,
and murders and violence everywhere in the world,
those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not
exist. Evil is simply the absence of God. Evil is a
term man developed to describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or
love, which exist as virtues like heat and light.
Evil is simply the state where God is not present,
like cold without heat or darkness without light."
I've been in Iris' house, my new small group leader, yesterday for leadership group. Our topic was based on the book titled 'Your Best Life Now'. We discussed two chapters of it. As we begin, we voiced out what really strucked each of us from that certain two chapters. And what really strucked me and made me cry was the latter part of chapter two which tells the reader to 'find somewhere you can dream'. From before, i deprived myself of dreaming. My dreams came to an end with the narrow thinking that what i desire is ultimately impossible. My hopes, my desires, my longings, my visions, my dedications, my committments and other things that drove out itself to nothing has led me in doubt, fear, and even distrust. And as i walk with God, those things were replaced by a better clarification. And even more, it has given me the reason to dream again and not lose it but to fight for it. It drives me to soar above my expectations and enlarge my vision, to see things and make it happen by faith. That book has taught me to be in my best life now eventhough i only have read two chapters of it. Now i have to practice to have the eyes of faith! =)
As we approach to the very heart of what's inside of each of us, Iris' told us to go back to our dreams and visions and write it on a piece of paper. And definitely, we have individual list! And we all have a long one..and here are some of what's on my list:
1. My Family. I desire for my mom and sibling's salvation and change. I dream to have them with me worshipping and prasing God, bringing glory to God. I dream going to church with them and praying together with them. To love one another and live in peace with Him. But i know it is still in God's timing, i know, for His will is good, pleasing, and perfect.
2. My Future Husband. I dream to be a pastor's wife. I know that in God's time, everything will come to pass. I know that i'll be on the process of marriage, that He will give me the one that will surely sweep me off my feet and of course, someone who loves God more than me. And have a happy family with kids which are twins, boy and girl, growing in God. And that is sweet!
3. Leadership. Since that i have known my gift, which is encouragement, leadership is what i desire. I dream to be a people person, a person that will lead people to God, drawing them in His love and lordship. I desire to have and run my own business. to have my own small group and to encourage people in this confusing life. And it's happening already!
4. Some Adventures. When i was a kid, i have always dreamt to ride an airplane. Whenever i see a plane over the roof of our house day or night, even when i'm riding a car or in a jeep, i stare at it as it goes lost in the clouds. I have dreams of traveling, to go to Venice or to Paris or travel around Europe. I have dreams of speaking french or to speak in english with british accent, go to China and walk along the Great Wall of China. I desire to experience a rare type of sports, be a good swimmer, climb a mountain at least for once, be a professional guitarist and be in an alternative band. On traveling, i just have to apply for a passport!
5. Some things. I love books and of course, i love to read. I desire to have books that are uplifting and encouraging. I have a list including Your Best Life Now, Captivating, A Woman After God's Own Heart, The Gift of Pain, A Promise No One Wants, Cries of the Heart, Traveling Light and there's just so much to say. I dream to have my own personal computer and laptop to use in school, have my own I-pod for i really love music, have my own car specifically Mazda3 or Mini Cooper, and to have my own house in a quiet place. A wide one, copper brown painted, with a garden and attic like terrace, with a swimming pool and a wood-made swing, with a walk-in closet, with a library and studio, with a black gate, glass type of house. Whew, that's almost the whole of my dream house!
These are just some of my dreams and visions that God brought back to life. I love how God works in my life, in everything i do, and in everything there is. I may have lost some chances and opportunities because of wrong perception and understanding of it, but God brought me back to where i was supposed to be, to be in the right track of His plans. To be in God's best that tells me to DREAM BIG!
I've posted some of my new photos taken from some gigs and some events. Check it out my churchmates, friends and even you passerby people! Come on, click that take a peek! Have fun =)
